Winchville Town: -1

Egon City Albion: 48

Putney home for the terminally spasticated 17th April, 5 P.M Kick-off

 Match report by Ron Atkinson

Heil Hitler! During the recent dearth of premier league action and the flurry of unaccompanied children at local games over the school holidays, I’ve been catching a lot of Inter-Winston League games and sweet Goebbels this one was a cracker. I haven’t seen a thrashing like this since I used a bacon-slicer on my dead granddad’s backside last weekend!

Due to continued complaints about the smelliness of the Winchville football stadia, the game was moved to the local mental asylum and some of the native spastics even helped with the match by licking the shite off my arse.

The game to off to a great start with a screamer from Egon City’s hottest new property Abraham Farter, who quite literally guffed the ball into goal after a tasty cross from Brazlian sensation Vagisilio. Tragedy struck shortly after when veteran linesman Angus McVulva was carried off the pitch in an oxygen tent after he came in his pants upon spotting a naked child in the crowd.

21 minutes into play Winchville lost keeper Farty Knocker after he was red-carded after punching the referee in the bollocks for taking the piss out of The Teletubbies. Down to ten men, player/manager Toggle Matoole chose not to replace the ball-handler and instead adopted his infamous 0-1-2-7 formation. This was swiftly followed by 47 Rovers goals, including 11 by Matoole himself, who was sacked later that day.

Winchville went into the record books as the first team to ever produce a negative score sheet after the ref deducted a goal when left-back Wayne Tillian did a shit on the field during play and didn’t even have the courtesy to clean it up or wipe his bum afterwards.

With this, their fourteenth consecutive loss of the season, they don’t stand a coon’s chance in heaven of avoiding relegation. Thank Himmler, I hate the fucking cunts.