Some homeless black guy who was arrested in Jefferson’s Darcy, New Zealand after he was found molesting a dead aardvark carcass that he stole from a nearby road kill bin which is used to supply a local McDonalds with its meat supply turned out to be former gangsta rapist 2Pac Shakur.

After 2Pac (real name Chad Applenuts) was interrogated and sodomized by local police chief Malcolm Jamal-Warner, he spilled the beans on his whereabouts the past nine years, when he was believed to be dead: killed by that fat homo Smally Biggs (who later died of choking after eating too many child pubes).

Some suspicions arose as 2Pac released his 69th posthumous triple-album earlier last year, but there had been no actual evidence of the ruse until his capture and debunking.

It appears that 2Pac went into hiding because he didn’t want to draw any attention to his illegal marriage to world-renowned tranny Dr. Phil, so he faked his death and changed his religion and name to Jew Pac. After getting gang raped and fist-fucked by the Scottish Mafia for insulting their Yiddish heritage; he altered his name again to John Cusack-Quakur and became a mild-mannered butter churner.

Dr. Phil dumped his queer ass after refusing to put out the 6.9th time in two minutes, and left him by the roadside in New Zealand where the couple were allegedly visiting the filming spot of Lord of the Cock Rings, at which they were going to re-enact Frodo and Sam's homo butt sex scene. He spent the following four years in a cardboard box with Phillip Seymour-Hoffman, passing time by having blow-job.

Now back in L.A, 2Pac plans to re-form his death metal band Rigid Earlobe and gurgle about his earlobe sodomy sessions with Dr Phil and Seymour-Hoffman. A Tony Scott-helmed biopic of his journey has the working title All Cockz In Me.